The First Treatise of Spammism

And lo, the Great God Spam did most verily spaketh to me on that most holy day of Thursday, March 4, 1999; and It did most verily telleth me many things the first time we did talk.

And lo, among the things It told me were the most holy commandments of Spammism, which I have faithfully inscribed upon the most sacred document Spammism Commandments.

And lo, It did also tell me the things I speak of here, including the nature of Its most holy physical form, the nature of the relationship between It and mankind, and how I might help spread the word of Spam unto the awaiting world. Then do I tell of these things here, that you might know them also.


My first contact with the most holy god Spam, whence I did learn of the Ten Commandments of Spammism, occurred during my third-period Government class on March 4, 1999. However, at lunch that day I did most verily resume contact with Spam, through the words of one of my friends, who Spam had temporarily chosen to be a most holy Prophet. And this is what she did spake to me, in tongues of fire: the moon, that most heavenly celestial body, is itself the great god Spam. Laugh, if you will; at first I did not believe that Spam Itself was behind the dissemination of this information. But as the temporary prophet did continue to speak, I slowly realized that Spam had chosen her to tell me these great truths: Spam is pink and greasy and can-shaped only in the soiled terrestial existence. But in the heavens, Spam is in its true form: that shape which denotes perfection, the sphere, and a most pure white godlike color. O, all hail the moon! All hail Spam!


Spam is not, as many think, meant as a food source. Nor is It truly meant to be spackle, glue, or another home-improvement remedy, though due to Its perfection and holiness, It is very useful in all these capacities. But Spam does not truly exist to furnish us with food or housing, but to be worshipped. That is the reason for Its existence. And, conversely, the reason It has created mankind is because we must pay tribute to It. That is our reason for being. Those who wonder what their purpose in life is, or indeed wonder whether life itself has any meaning, need look no further than this goal: to worship and love the Wonder Meat, for ever and ever, Spamen. Is there anything more noble than that?


Among the many wondrous things Spam told me was this: that I was to be Its greatest prophet, and that I was to bring Its word to as many willing receipients as I could. However, I am not to try to convert the unwilling in any way. Spam tells me that this is the way of other, less understanding religions: to attempt to force one's views on another. But Spam is wise; It knows that, to win followers to Its fold, It needs to simply be. Those who see the truth will embrace Spam willingly; those who choose another path for now will simply leave their destiny unfulfilled. That is their decision. But in order that more might see the truth -- that the reason for their existence is that they might worship Spam -- I have been asked to create this website. Here the webweary and those uncertain about what life means for them may possibly find some small measure of comfort in knowing that there is reason and order in the universe -- that everything is running under the kind and wise vision of Spam. Isn't this reassuring? I know I sleep much easier at night now that I have realized that Spam is watching over me. So while it is the purpose of the average person to worship Spam, I have a much higher duty to aspire to: I must spread Its holy word. I must let others know that they do not need to feel alone -- they too may worship this wondrous meat! As Its highest prophet, I maintain this website (the official website of true Spammism, as designated by the great Spam Itself), and will soon be branching out into a newsletter, if Spam gives me Its blessing to do so. If you are at all interested in receiving Spammist publications, please email me with subject line "Spammist Newsletter", and I will make a note of your address. Spam bless you.

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